Walking into a room of participants at a retreat I had spontaneously said yes to, in a moment of courage, I began to wonder why I was there, what was I getting myself into?

I eyed the room suspiciously wondering if I was going to have to have sex with these people? I couldn’t even remember the name of the event, I just knew that the 5 minute dialogue on Facebook chat thread I’d had with the founder of the organisation running these events Baba Dez Nichols was enough to bring me to tears, and then spend $2000NZ on my credit card a moment later…. I knew I had to be there with every cell of my being.

This was my very first Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience – back then it was a practitioner training. Little did I know the powerful impact on me that event would have?

I was just 3 months out of probably one of the most emotionally toxic and sexually disempowering relationships of my life. I had hit rock bottom, questioning how on earth could my relational and sexual life have got so god damn far removed from what I truly wanted. Sure as Marianne Williamson says“ treat relationships like assignments, every one, an opportunity to learn to grow” apparently it’s all here to help us? Well all I can say is that was an interesting assignment. Actually in retrospect it was a catalyst for me to discover my own responsibility for my journey, and encourage me to do something I was totally scared shitless of doing in an attempt to empower myself.. and rediscover my sexuality -attend a “Tantra” event!!!

The Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience is not a really a Tantric Retreat it is a personal empowerment program, a radically transformational experience and you know why it is so powerful? Because it includes sexuality, it includes the part most people like to leave well alone. The biggest wound on our planet is the sexual guilt and shame we are holding. This once sacred part of our humanity has become for many of us a distortion of its original blueprint, and of what this vital force of energy was intended to be for us.

The Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience helps us to reclaim the Divinity of our sexuality, the dark and the light. To remember its sacredness and its place in our life- helping us to feel more alive, more empowered, connected to our feelings our bodies our humanity and can enable us to have an embodied experience of our spiritual essence.

So back to the retreat going around the circle I noticed that most of the people were already working in some kind of personal development capacity, coaches, psychologists, healers, sacred Sexual healers (wow what was that I thought? I had never heard of that) My mind boggled – at last I was in a workshop space where I felt I had to stretch to maintain the same level of consciousness as these people.

Going around the circle people shared their reasons for attending… I felt deeply humbled to be in such an amazing group of individuals. Then came my turn to share….. I flushed red; every thing I had rehearsed in my head went blank… “ And then. “I just want to have better sex…” Fell out of my mouth… “I’m tired of the shit sex life I have… I have no idea how to create the relationships I want. I just know …what I DON’T want?” It was the simple truth. No dressing it up, or trying to make myself look better.

What I actually experienced on that week was a profound shift on many levels. I learnt how to own and connect to my inner masculine, I could no longer blame it on the guy in front of me, this was about me showing up for myself, about me speaking my truth, finding my voice – even when I felt like I couldn’t.

I learnt to drop even more deeply into my body and feel in a way I had never done before. I felt pain so deep, so raw, so incredibly heartbreaking that it was no longer my story it was humanity’s story, the earths story and I cried out like a wounded dog a cry from deep within my bowels, it turned me inside out. And it felt so fucking good. I felt a thousand tons lighter afterwards and I swear it took several years off my face… no Botox needed.

Food began to taste better, like I could feel the food, as I tasted it. The earth took on a vibrating pulsing rhythm that my body responded to. I developed an intimate connection with the world around me, like everything had been switched brighter turned up somehow. I learnt how to move emotions through my body, to release this pent up rage and frustration. I learnt how to release blocked energy and pain held in my genitals, and amazingly enough I was able to release it through laughter!

I learnt how to say no!!! Why on earth did no one teach me these things before for Christ sake I was a forty-year-old woman? Why didn’t we learn this stuff before we launched into the world of intimate relationships?

And I also learnt to say YES… I learnt to lean into the discomfort and say yes to IT ALL!

My life hasn’t been the same since. I was so transformed by this experience that it became my path. I continued to explore Conscious Sexuality thirsty to discover more secrets to feeling more, to connecting with my power my pleasure and my purpose. My previous relationship faded into the distance, I started to see how grateful I was for all of my relationships in fact, and how they had been so significant in shaping this very exact moment now. My life just got more amazing, and it continues to hold an incredible richness and texture.

One of the most powerful things I learnt was to embrace the contradiction. That in fact I was everything, that I am, actually everything. I learnt to own it all – the bitch, the liar, the gentle child, the angel, the demon, the Essex girl and the Essex lad the high priestess – I am all of it. Good bad naughty nice.

This world of duality suddenly began to make more sense. I didn’t need to heal the bad bits and try to rid myself of them, I needed to own them to love them, to let those energies run through me and feel them, so what if I was fucked up insecure AND amazingly powerful and confident I CAN actually be all of that. I am all of that. What a relief!

I am so grateful for all the amazing teachers who have walked along side of me and to those in my life now who continue to be an inspiration for when I fall down.

To those who have supported me to find these answers for myself, and to inspire me to turn the fuck up for myself, this is my life, and no one else is going to do for it for me.

I feel immense gratitude to all of my teachers and to all of my clients and relationships who continue to teach me. I feel so blessed to share this sacred journey with so many people.

So back to the Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience, that I am co-teaching on by the way, which was my original inspiration to share this story, Just one women’s story, there are hundreds of others. Which speak of similar transformation… I guess what I am trying to say is…. don’t come to this event if you quite like the way you are and don’t want to radically transform, don’t bother if your life is comfy and you’d rather not be faced with yourself.

If you are ready to jump off the cliff, if maybe you have been having a rather long coffee break, sipping lattes and watching back-to-back episodes of your latest TV series addiction is great don’t get me wrong – but lets get real here this is not a fucking dress rehearsal! if you have had enough of trying to fix yourself or improve yourself through other means, if you really want to come home to yourself….then I encourage you to take this leap… To journey with us… into the field of the Spiritual… Sexual.. Shamanic… Experience and see what it unfolds for you.

To book your place on the spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience , here once again in New Zealand  click here.

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