Author: maintenance

Owning your Predator

Warning : potentially triggering
A question out there?

 How many of you can own your predator?

How many of you are unaware of your predatory energy and yet are very aware of it in others?

Therefore how much of the predator in you is actually in shadow?

Its common for the sexual predator to be named in men.

It’s a common thing to hear people (particularly women) complaining that there may be sexual predators at Tantra workshops and it puts them off coming.

A predator is not a problem to you, it will not trigger you at all, you can call it out in others and name it without any charge, and whilst calmly naming your boundaries IF, and its a big IF, IF you have claimed your own!

I have seen the sexual predator particularly in the shadows in women’s bodies.

it’s not until threatened that it will come out and be owned. On the surface its all niceties and everything is beautiful, and there is no competition here. Only love and light.


And how do you think I know so much about the shadow? About this predatory energy?

because I have felt it and owned it in MYSELF!

and actually it is pretty goddamn hot when made conscious and masterfully used to explore passion, inside consent.

Its the ravishing energy 

Here is the dictionaries definition of predator

-one that preys, destroys, or devours
-an animal that lives by predation

Predation is it just me or do you think that word is hot? Maybe I am strange but I kind of like it!

and also Depredate
to lay waste :plunder, ravage
:to engage in plunder – the correct use of the word depredation. Never been turned on by dictionaries but this is kind of doing it for me!

So what is it about this energy that holds so much charge for many?

Its because it is usually unconscious, unowned, unclear. AND more importantly because of this outside of CONSENT.

CONSENT is the key here, thats when it feels good! and if there is no consent for it then name it out loud and clear to stop in it’s tracks! Some people do not even realise when their sexual energy is leaking out all over the place you’d be doing them a favour!

The other time when I have become aware of the predator in me, and this is a hard one to admit publicly but hey what the fuck, I’m all about transparency, authenticity, some may judge me for it, but it’s such a strong value for me and I admire it so much in others that I challenge myself professionally to be as transparent and authentic as I can be.

So yes, as I was saying the other way the predator comes out in me is as a workshop facilitators healer, a session giver, an organiser, operator of events.

I’m seeking prey all the time?

I looking in the background to see where the opportunities are?
Where people need help support?
Where there is an opening for me?
I feed myself from my workshops and my session work with people.
literally it’s what puts food on my table for my son and me.

I love what I do, and I’m pretty well fed, i feel it really benefits other people and yet I have to own that yes I am a predator.

I am constantly looking and seeking where I can hunt for my prey. I am pretty focussed and ruthless in my pursuit of service, and yes I humbly go about my work that from what I can see, and what I am told does really benefit others … and there is my predator in there too.

She is there…..

I actually feel her as a giant cat right now….

At the moment she is pretty happy, licking her fur….

Not hugely hungry….

She’s reasonably satiated

What does your predator look like?

A gateway into your shadow is to see what triggers you in others.

Sometimes its a direct reflection of something unseen and unowned in yourself.

Sometimes there is a hidden inner longing to be more like that, but for whatever reason you have made it wrong in others. Sometimes you admire it in others and then lack the faith that it is within you.

In my experience and from what I have seen through working with these more primal energies -When you ignore this energy within you – it stays unrefined, ferral even, after years of being supressed, denied, shamed when it does come out it is ugly! Think how you would feel if you were supressed denied, shamed, disowned, ignored for your whole life!!?

its best to make friends with this part of yourself, to love it to own it, to laugh about its less evolved ways and to harness and value its power and potency.

We all have a little predator in us!

and its great fuel for our passions too whether they be sexual, creative aligned within our relational world
with our mission in life.

The predator energy is beautiful powerful and extremely sexy when brought into the light of consciousness. I’m not talking about making it all fluffy and light. I’m talking about brining awareness to it.

The energy in the predator knows what it wants and its going to have it.

Its not afraid to reach for it

to take

when the time is right

to full go for it

No holding back

total conviction

now thats sexy to me

For individual personalised sessions email me


As part of the largest study ever undertaken on human sexuality, in 1948 Alfred Kinsey found that nothing had more influence upon present-day patterns of sexual behaviour than the religious backgrounds of that culture.

Although the source of this original sexual wounding is religious it has so taken hold in our culture (western world) that it affects all of us.

One of the results of living in a sex negative culture is that as children we learn that exploring our bodies, and masturbation is immoral and unhealthy.

Shame and guilt is passed down from generation to generation.

Kinsey in his study called the stigmatising of masturbators a form of sexual abuse.

Because of the guilt and shame ridden through this part of our being, the psyche gets wise and one way to avoid sexual feelings ( and many other feelings for that matter) is TO LIVE OUTSIDE OF THE BODY

By adopting a way of being where we are in disconnection from our bodies we actually limit all sorts of feelings not just sexual pleasure excitement and bliss. We learn to shallow breathe to avoid accessing states of feeling. This shallow breath creates a forever present feeling of unease, if we tune in and feel. It is only by using a fuller breath, breathing down into the belly, that we can access the parasympathetic ( rest and digest) part of our nervous system which is the nervous system that down regulates our body and creates relaxation.

With regards to our sexuality, another outcome that has resulted from this disconnection to feeling, and ultimately pleasure is what Almaas defines as the “Genital Hole”

Kind of like a psychic self castration Almaas describes the experience of the “genital hole” as-

“”(The Genital Hole) is the experience of the genital area as a dark, empty hole, with no anatomical parts. The individual feels and sometimes envisions a lack, an absence between the thighs. The experience can be very definite and clear, with the boundaries of the hole clearly demarcated. It almost feels like a physical experience, even though the individual is always aware that the hole is not physical.”

This energetic and psychic block creates a constriction of feeling and of pleasure.

Sometimes, the Genital Hole is first experienced as chronic pelvic pain. Untreated, chronic pain can then lead to physical numbness. Chronic pelvic pain and numbness are pandemic in our time.
Here is one description of how chronic pelvic pain evolves, from the excellent book A Headache In The Pelvis by David Wise, Ph.D. and Rodney Anderson, M.D.:
“We have identified a group of chronic pelvic pain syndromes that are caused by the overuse of the human instinct to protect the genitals, rectum and contents of the pelvis from injury or pain by contracting the pelvic muscles. This tendency becomes exaggerated in predisposed individuals and over time results in pelvic pain and dysfunction. The state of chronic constriction creates pain-referring trigger points, reduced blood flow, and an inhospitable environment for the nerves, blood vessels and structures throughout the pelvic basin. This results is a cycle of pain, anxiety and tension which has previously been un-recognized and untreated.”

We can heal the genital hole through working with clearing our guilt and shame around ourselves as sexual beings.

One of the most popular ways I work with clients is to help them design their own orgasmic yoga practice.

Orgasmic yoga – is an umbrella term for an erotic practice which infuses mindful masturbation – focussing on sensation and feelings in the body, and being present with oneself rather than fantasy or something outside of oneself,
exploring how breath, sound and movement move energy through the body and enhance embodiment, and clear our system of negative/stuck energy
intention, healing, focus, spiritual connection

One can also combine Orgasmic Yoga with:
mirror work
shamanic healing

i have found this the most powerful way to work with clients, supporting them to develop their own unification with their sexuality.

Another powerful way to heal shame is through group work, the ISTA training an 7/8 day long Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience it is a complete re-wiring of our relationship to sexuality. It also focusses on healing, and re-patterning our embodiment, and reference point for healthy masculine and feminine energies.

So how does this influence our lives? with a new reference point for the feminine and masculine energies, old stereotypes and ways of being begin to fall away, empowering our lives, our relationships and our sense of meaning and purpose in the world.

The next ISTA training in New Zealand is happening 19-25th Nov at Highden Manor

For more information on the beautiful New Zealand Temple of Highden visit :

If you can’t wait that long and would like to dip your toe in the water then I have great news for you!

I am offering a taste of ISTA ( International School of Temple Arts) together with Rahim Ryan – we will be facilitating a Re-claiming of the Sacred Temple of the Body. This day is also re-clamation of the holy temples of the genitals.

These most intimate and sensitive parts of our bodies are portals to the Divine.

An orgasm is the closest thing we have in this dimension to the Divine.

A human being can be created through the act of sex!

A life comes in through the process of sex!…. think about this….

How on earth can this act be shameful and anything less than holy?

The distortion of the life-force of sexuality and the shame that has been placed upon it has resulted in a mis-representation of this most potent and sacred part of ourselves in our culture.

Porn and much of the sex industry has nothing to do with embodied sexuality, and is mostly in fact an exploitation of this most potent and sacred force of energy, which is our link to the DIVINE, to source, to creator, to that which we come from and to whom we will return.

If you would like to make steps to heal your sexuality, to re-claim it as the powerful voice of the Divine that it is, to re-claim your birthright to bliss pleasure and ease, to inhabit your whole body and being, and feel more fully the grounded-ness of who you are then come for a taste of ISTA, come and re-claim your body.

I guarantee you will want to sign up for more.

Connect to your power, your passion your purpose and your love, there was a reason those that wanted to control us made us fear, and feel guilt around our sexuality- it took our power away!

Come and re-claim it!

See you on the 25th at Blockhouse bay Boat-club

The Anatomy of Arousal for Women

I felt to share a topic that is dear to my heart and that is one of “women’s sexual pleasure.”

Too many times in my work I am dealing with a dynamic with couples where the women has no sexual desire and the man is craving more sex.

On the surface it looks like the man is just the one with the higher sex drive, but I say there is a deeper underlying issue, and that is that women are not taking responsibility for what they really crave sexually and asking for it.

When sex is just a paint by numbers approach and a physical experience of learning which buttons to push a women’s sexual desire will wain. Especially if it is all about reaching the big O. It becomes 2 dimensional and after sometime lbig Ooses its appeal. Sure lust is great in the beginning, but what we really crave, and forgive me if this feels different to your experience, but I feel what women really crave is a partner who can go all the way, who can penetrate her heart with his cock, with his love, with his presence, and penetrate it with power as well as being in her heart with her. She needs to feel his presence and that he is there for her in the act of lovemaking no matter what, then she can relax and go deeper. High arousal holds a vibration of deep vulnerability for women, if we are able to go through this with someone it can be an incredible opening of the heart.

The other thing to note about women’s sexual arousal is first and foremost for her full sexual arousal network to kick in she needs to feel safe. Her arousal starts in the parasympathetic nervous system the nervous system that is operating when we are at rest. It is not until our bodies feel deep trust that the arousal can start to happen, and then we move in the sympathetic as arousal starts to kick in and excitement builds. Too many times we may try to kick start our arousal system when there is not a feeling of deep trust and safety, maybe we feel rushed that we are taking too long, that he is more aroused, all of these things can hinder our arousal, and ultimately our deep pleasure.

The other thing is that there is so much more to the pleasure centres of the yoni than the clitoris, sure that is an incredibly sensitive and pleasurable spot on a woman yoni but the tip of the clitoris is just a tiny part of her full arousal system. When the whole system is engaged sexual arousal feels way different, penetration feels much more pleasurable, orgasms are deeper and more fulfilling and sex takes on a whole deeper level. It is when we are in these really hightened states of arousal that we can have more mystical experiences of sexual union, with ourselves, with the cosmos with God even as well as with the beloved in front of us.

Sex has the potential to take us back to source, I have my  most mystical experiences through sex not through spiritual practices of meditation etc.

When I was 30 I had an incredible experience of merging with everything. At the time I was studying tantra and reading a lot of books about tantric techniques for lovemaking. I had no idea of the potential back then, I was just interested to make sex more spiritual, I intuitively knew that sexual union could take me back to God, and I wanted that more than anything.

From a young age I had tried to figure out the meaning of life, why we were all here? How were we ever going to truly know ourselves? What was God and did he exist? What happened when we died? I wanted proof that what I saw here on this earth wasn’;t the whole picture to my existence . And so I got on the path of Tantra.

Luckily I had a willing partner, I think he just wanted the sex and was ok to do all these weird things with me especially if it meant it increased our chances of having sex for longer. Anyway one day whilst making love I visualised ( like the book said to) that we were one entity, one body with 4 arms and 4 legs 2 heads. I visualised it and then I began to feel it. As I embodied the feeling of us being one being it seemed to trip a switch in me, in my innocence I opened a portal and began to merge into oneness with everything. Information began to download into my consciousness, all of my questions were answered, its incredibly hard to put words to the experience but the closest I can get to it is to say – all I felt was this pure incredible love, and a feeling of remembering, in my mind all I could hear myself saying was…. of course! I became telepathic with my partner, time did not exist. The experience and energy was so profound I could barely speak afterwards.

I never spoke to him about it and to this day I do not know what his experience was. We sat in bed afterwards both staring at the wall in front of us, no words needed, just a state of pure calm. Its funny because I have a really difficult relationship with this man, he is the father of my son, this time was around the conception of my son. We have never really understood each other emotionally, there isn’t a deep spiritual or soul resonance, so I have no idea why this happened with him, its  a mystery…. and I am still in the mystery. In fact it was this experience that really got me hooked on tantra all those years ago, and I am still hooked and finding more and more wisdom through this path which isn’t just about sex to me tantra is about embracing and loving all parts of ourselves, it is about integration and coming home to oneself .

So back to pleasure…..

So for all the women out there, do you know what gives you pleasure? do you know what you really desire? have you ever sat with that question with a partner? it can be a powerful practice to set up a scenario where your partner is just their to serve your desires what ever they are, be they sexual or not, its a powerful practice, trust me, and see where it leads you, do it for at least an hour, I guarantee you will have fun! Although it can be hard at first sometimes to connect into your desire, especially if most of your life you have focussed on fulfilling other peoples, take your time and trust, sit with it and find to feel your authentic  desires, speak them out even if they seem inappropriate, too much, ridiculous or simple whatever is real, and keep digging deeper.

Once we really get to know our desires, and our anatomy, then we have a much better chance of having the types of sexual experiences we really crave, and then if we are having the kinds of sexual experiences that deeply fulfil us, and aren’t about meeting another needs then surely then we are going to be more interested in actually engaging sexually.

Taking responsibility for our desires, for our pleasure is really important for our well-being as women. Without pleasure in our lives we become dull, pinched listless, we find other things to try to compensate, we are more moody, sexual pleasure is a really important part of well-being. When a woman is fulfilled sexually she is more radiant, more loving, has many more of the feel good hormones running through her system, but it needs to be deeply fulfilling heart opening sexuality, not just a quick fix, that will deplete us eventually.

It takes great man to hold the space for a woman’s deep pleasure too, he has to let go of his need to release, and be free of goal orientation. And thats a whole other topic.

But if this ramble has stirred something in you, and you are a person with a pussie come along to my pussy talk happening this Wednesday in Tauranga. Following on from this talk if there is enough interest i want to host a demonstration of a yoni massage too.

Empowering the Heart

For those of us who have been on a spiritual quest, maybe those who have gone down the “new age” path to seek greater meaning in life, who maybe even wanted enlightenment, the message was clear it was all about the heart.
serpent goddess
Even those who haven’t been interested in the ‘new age’ route seeing it as flaky possibly, or just not really into self help stuff, maybe your priorities have been elsewhere, wherever you have been, which ever journey you have been on, we all appreciate and know the value of the heart.
Conventional science has taught us that the main role of the heart is to pump blood to all the systems of the body. This definition of the heart is not very accurate. Besides pumping blood, the heart also has an intelligence of its own.
According to neurocardiologists, 60 to 65 percent of heart cells are neuron cells, not muscle cells. This discovery has helped them to develop experiments that have proved the heart works similar to the brain and in some ways is even superior to the brain. This may be the reason why the heart is the first organ to function after conception. Within about 20 days after conception the heart starts to function, but the brain does not function until after roughly 90 days.
Did you know that the human heart is the organ that generates the strongest electromagnetic field of any organ of the human body? In fact, the electromagnetic field of your heart can be measured up to a few feet away from your body. Furthermore, this energy field changes in relation to your emotions.
Because the heart generates the strongest electromagnetic field, the information stored in its electromagnetic field affects every organ and cell in your body. Could this be why the heart is the first organ to function in a fetus? Besides generating the strongest electromagnetic field, the heart has an intelligence of its own, which is why certain neurocardiologists refer to it as the heart-brain or the fifth brain.
Follow the heart is a common phrase that is tossed around, but it is not necessarily easy to enact. Follow the heart means letting deep feelings draw us one way or another without a logical answer or obvious reasoning. Our feelings are what help us to understand the world beyond logic. The heart helps us to understand the world through feelings. This biological electromagnetic field generator allows us to understand each other at the emotional level and beyond, giving us a sense of connection to all things. This emotional connection is what creates bonding between individuals. This feeling of connectedness takes us closer to the spiritual notion that we are in fact all One.
One thing I have found though, from attempting to live a heart centred reality, and following the impulses of my heart, seeking to listen to the intelligence within it, is that it can become quite exhausting. If you are not careful, depending on your conditioning and personality you can end up giving your power away ie: putting other peoples desires wishes and needs before your own. Whilst this is very noble if done from the centred place, you gotta be careful that you make sure you are taking such great care of yourself too along the way!
A key element that many people fail to connect to with wanting to live in a more heart centred way, is how to do this without it being at the expense of your personal power. This is where another major energetic centre comes into play.
The womb……. the womb and heart have a symbiotic relationship. The womb is like the centre of your being, and this goes for whether you are in a male or female body, or if you have had your physical womb taken out for any reason.The womb is the place and the word we use to describe what Chinese Medicine and Qi gong refers to as the Dan tien.
“If our Dan Tien is strong our energy and essence are strong and our spirit is rooted and secure.” ( from
“It is the gravity centre of the body and the inner energy pump.Our heart is the blood pump in our body, and our tan tien the chi energy pump. This centre can be used as a tool, as an inner hand, to make the chi or life energy flow in the body, to concentrate your chi energy, to protect yourself, and to find the right posture.” ( from
Working with my womb-space and cultivating a deep felt sense of the presence of energy there has been foundational part of my life, career, and well being for the last few years.
I have found that connection to this place both in myself and in the people I support helps you feel more safe in uncertainty, help you access greater pleasure in your body, helps you feel more confident, and yes, have way better sexual interactions.
The womb empowers the heart, it works in alliance with the heart. Its like a strong energetic power source that can give you conviction behind what the heart is seeking for you to move towards. It enables you to bring in fierce love, tough love,gives you the ability to stand for what you know to be true in your heart, even when the heart is breaking into a thousand pieces through the trials and tribulations of this human life.
When we connect to the deep primordal power within our womb we can learn to cultivate true fulfilling relationship with everything. The more we access this energetic centre the more we can learn to feel it all, and to not be afraid of feeling, we can actually access who we are beyond this physical body through this , not via consciousness and in the mind but deeply through the body, through relationship with another, through sacred union with oneself and during our sexual interactions with others.
There are seven energetic gates, that we have to pass through in order to access this primal power, each has a particular vibrational frequency when clear that needs to be felt to experience the opening at each gate. There is a corresponding reference point on the physical body, at the genitals, the sacred jewel of our bodies’ for each of the seven portals. They cannot be emotionally or spiritually bi- passed whatever we are feeling at these gates must to be felt to access a real and deep connection with the womb. The gates are keys not just to experiencing greater intimacy and sex with another but also with the whole of life and can be passed through whether you have a physical womb or not, whatever your biology or sex.
If you are keen to learn more about this amazing internal power force and take the journey through the seven energetic gates with me- Then join me at the Luminate festival to take a journey of empowerment for the heart and womb. I will create a space for you to deepen your connection and alliance between these two major energetic centres.
Look forward to seeing you there if you feel this pulling you.

The Voices of Desire

I have written a note about desire before, its a theme that has been close to my heart for sometime and seems to be cropping up again this time with a deeper level of awareness, and more layers to this juicy topic.
It all started a couple of years back at the Osho leela Conscious Sexuality festival in the UK, when I was given the opportunity to feel into my desires for a whole hour and have somebodwebsitey in the role of serving them. What happened was very insightful and so it has been in my awareness as something I need to pay more attention to.
During the experience I am talking about, when faced with someone sitting opposite me about to seemingly deliver me my desire in that moment on a plate to me…. to my shock…. there was nothing. Just nothing, just a big blank nothing… What do you desire? came the questions….. Ummmmm… uncomfortable feeling….. I don’t know. I sat there for a little longer, and a little longer and longer still feeling awkward embarrased but wanting to really take the opportunity to feel into what was really authentic….and then the tears came. Together with feelings of unworthiness, why would anyone want to serve me? what was in it for them? What do they want from me? The tears kept flowing, I felt embarrassed, humiliated, I wondered how the other women in the workshop were coping with connecting to their desires, I felt hopeless.
Eventually a desire rose from within me… Can I have a tissue please? He went to hand it to me, I asked.. Can you wipe my tears. It was the most tender thing to have a man wiping my soppy tears so sweetly and so it went on and thankfully as the hour went by I got more and more comfortable with feeling into what I wanted, but it was slow, I felt uneasy, unsure, as if I never allowed myself to feel into what I wanted ever. Shit I was such a massive people pleaser…. eventually, I began to relax and see there was nothing I needed to be other than what I was, there was no rush, no pressure, just a simple enquiry into… what it was I wanted in that moment, in that encounter. Moment by moment feeling into the true impulse of my desires, not thinking about the other just being with myself and making simple requests, sounds easy? I invite you to try it!
This last weekend I had the privilege to be assisting Ruby May a dear friend and fellow edge dweller at her In Love and Service workshop here in New Zealand. I was helping to hold space but an opportunity arose to go in as a participant for one exercise. It was the same exercise as the above mentioned experience, again I was asked by a humble man willing to serve me, what do you desire?….. again I fell into the abyss of nothing.. again the tears again. This time a feeling of sadness at my disconnection with my own desires. I connected to myself as a 6 year old child and realised that it must have been around this time that I lost connection to what I wanted: Maybe learning that, what you did was please others? Look around to see what was possible, allowed and maybe ask for that… or… more than likely see what other people needed and just do that. How many times in my life have I been asked.. What do you want to do Ellie? Only to reply.. I don’t know… what do you want to do? Where is my opinion? Where is my self value? Where is my preference? Where is my whats best for me? Underneath years of conditioning that told me to put other peoples needs before my own.
This all sounds so altruistic right? and whilst I know I have a truly compassionate heart, I also know I am not Mother Teresa. The problem is with not catering to ones needs, and having a habit of adapting to suit others it doesn’t seem to work long term. Sooner or later the dis-satisfaction will arise, out of nowhere, everything will start to feel too much even the smallest request can lead to overwhelm. ( Obviously I am talking from experience here) I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have changed my whole life around, moved houses, location, left friends, work, security, income in order to suit a partner, to develop a life with them, although the only problem was it was their life, and I left mine behind, and then at the end when it all turned to shit and I had to pick myself and my son up and move on the upheaval was huge, often devastating, and I would be left with nothing, literally. I have done this three times in my life with major relationships/partnerships. Each time I vowed never again. I think its a curse too of being someone who follows their heart and not their head. The problem is here with listening to one’s heart only whilst observing the mind is that there was one vital centre I wasn’t listening to and that centre is one I am connecting to more deeply these days. The power within my womb, my creative energy, my power house,
The womb centre is the centre that feeds directly into my emotional body, it gives me information into what is good for me, correct for me and right for me, and ultimately what is good for me is also good for those who are close to me. Doesn’t that go for all of us? it is my connection to my power. I think of all the times I have been disconnected to my power, or have felt it but given my power away, diminishing myself, making myself smaller than the other, not valuing myself fully. Finally 39 years later I am waking up the desire deep in my belly and womb, connecting on a deeper level to my sense of personal power, feeling the freedom, the aliveness, the potential, the aliveness in that. I’ll be honest even though i teach this stuff, the voice is quiet, really quiet, almost a whisper, and my mind is so dominant and wants to take over, it comes in with voices like thats not ok, thats not possible, that’s selfish, you won’t find anyone to agree to that, you are going to have to get real and so on. Honestly where does all this crap come from that goes on in my mind, can you relate to this?
What do you desire?
Its such a simple question, but can be so clouded with confusion when influenced by the needs and desires of others.
I invite you to play this game with a willing partner, just asking the question in relation to another who is willing to serve you, a lover a partner, whoever. Taking the leadership, and the server *( if he/she is open to the requests, its really key for the server to make sure they do not abandon themselves in order to please you too by the way) just serving you what you desire, no more no less.
Then after you have tried this simple practice, you can go bigger, take it to other areas of your life, see where you are catering for others instead of being true to yourself. Observe where you are really listening into an authentic voice inside, or have you become accustomed to tuning that out and forgetting about what is best and right for you. Wouldn’t it be great if we all lived in a world where everyone was being true to what they really wanted? Wouldn’t there be more joy, pleasure relaxation? Wouldn’t we all just be so much sweeter to be around? if we were more satisfied deep down wouldn’t the more un-pleasurable things just get done without too much hassle as the rest of our lives would be so much more rewarding? Wouldn’t it mean that we would all live much longer happier and more fulfilling lives?
I think so.

Ramblings from a betrayed vagina

What has happened to sex today?

Why are so many couples in distress maybe openly but often secretly in their sex lives?

Why is ED as common as the common cold?

Why do so many women in their later years or when in longer term relationships move away from their partners physically and away from sex? Lose their desire their attraction to their partner sexually.

These are some of the questions my vagina woke me up with this morning at 6am.

This is what she has to say:

“ What I yearn for is for my true feminine fragrance to be released, in order to do this I have to fully soften to open and surrender deeply into being a woman. Then to be penetrated to my very core with love. A love that doesn’t need to get anything – because love doesn’t , a love that isn’t trying to make me come because love -doesn’t, a love that isn’t seeking approval for its performance by which sounds I am making or how my body is moving – because love doesn’t , that isn’t afraid to stand in the face of my despair or their own, that isn’t going to leave and run away when things feel dull, dead, motionless, quiet, or try to fix my pain, or tell me anything other than I’m loved – because that is what love does. Love stands in the fire’s of  hell without being burnt, with the wind beating, the winds howling, the rain pouring in, the flood gates opening without moving if that is what is required to penetrate to the core of me.”

Our society has forgotten how to be men and women.

We have merged into a homogenised version of ourselves, with so many mixed messages we have lost touch with our true innate sexual polarity as men and women. The positive and negative poles inside the sexual organs have lost their charge.

Women have become doers sexually focused on goals, losing touch with our deep inner knowing, not listening to the quiet calling deep within the heart.

Men have become frightened versions of themselves, chasing some fantasy or intimidated and feeling less of a man when their cocks no longer want to come to the party.

I’m going to make a bold statement here but I believe at the route of all ED (Erectile disfunction) and lack of libido in women is the loss of this polarity, this electrical charge between men and women. Just like two magnets we fit together we actually are drawn together when the correct charge of the positive and negative, if you try to turn the magnet around… what happens? yes repelling … they resist one another. Feel familiar sexually? Have you experienced this feeling? maybe you over rode it, maybe you got so used to over riding it for so many years that the electrical charge has begun to malfunction, I believe this malfunction has-been happening for life-times and its deep within our cellular memory, its in our DNA.

The cervix in the women’s vagina represents the deepest part of her feminine nature, when this pole is fully charged with energy it literally draws the penis in like a magnet. The problem is that most women’s cervixes are armoured and numb and at worst painful. Which translates to the deepest part of our feminine nature is armoured and numb and at worst in deep pain from being ignored, not listened to, over ridden, forgotten.

Sexually as women we absolutely long to open fully and surrender ourselves completely, we long to be penetrated to the core with love, absolute love. I’m not a man but I’m guessing what men want is to experience this and straight men to feel a women open soften and fully surrender to him, completely. I am sure men long to feel the power of love in their cocks and to take a women into deep ecstatic surrender simply by bringing their presence into her.

I have been in the world of Tantra and Conscious Sexuality intensively for the last 6 years, I have been focused on healing my own deep wounds and transforming my sexuality into something magical, sacred and I want to say holy, because it is, and when you have this part of yourself start to become more fully alive you do start to feel whole through the holiness of it. I have been journeying through the realms of Polyamory and Poly-agony, of monogamy and lack of desire leading to celibacy. I have been journeying through some wild places inside and out. Its been quite a ride!

I have been supporting individuals, couples and groups to heal and transform their sexuality for the last 4-5years, but on a journey with Tantra for the last 17. You could say this has been an obsession of mine, which started with books and reading and then experiencing an incredible peak state once during sex when I slipped into a high state of samadhi after practicing some techniques with my partner, it was so profound I didn’t want to speak about it afterwards I simply sat in awe, to this day I don’t know if he had the same experience, as we just sat in silence afterwards bathed in an incredibly peaceful energy which had no words within it. This experience radically changed me and I began a quest to understand what happened. This experience among others which were more traumatic, abusive and depressing actually is what motivated me to dive deeply into my sexuality and seek to uncover its mysteries, my mysteries.

So I know the power of this thing called sex, I know its potential and its capacity to transport us into awakened states of being. This may seem like pie in the sky, an unobtainable dream for some, isn’t sex just supposed to be about pleasure? Well yes and there’s nothing wrong with that, but at some point in your journey you are going to get bored of that, it may take lifetimes I don’t know, maybe for some the desire simply isn’t there to awaken through sex, maybe for some people a really good orgasm is enough! I suppose it depends on what you want, do you want to have a great orgasm or do you want to go to God?

Well how about both?

Lets have it all!

Lets embrace it all, lets enjoy the ride the journey the discovery, the excitement of re-awakening our sexuality to its true innate, natural state. lets journey deeply, lets play with this, but lets have a focus, not a goal, but lets take a position, point in the one direction we long for and be pulled by that thread, and let that thread be love and truth and the purity of that.

It’s time to get really honest, to hold back all judgment of ourselves and each other, to forgive…..we got lost, and come back to love and to truth, and begin that journey in that direction.

It’s just time to get really honest with ourselves, and ask yourself , is this working?

Well thats what I’m doing right now and my sincere hope is that it inspires you to do the same.


Letting go, surrender and the fear of vulnerability

Why is it that vulnerability is a place that many of us consistently avoid going to? Why is it that vulnerability feels weak when actually, as I’m sure many of you will agree, it is often received as a tremendously powerful and graceful state of being?
Along this road of conscious sexual development, spiritual development and personal empowerment – some themes that are coming up for me right now are shame and fear. It’s not shame and fear about my sexual self this time. It’s shame and fear about my emotional body. In particular it’s shame about not having it sussed out, about having the ability to communicate clearly what I am feeling. It’s shame about not having a logical process together with these incredible emotions I am experiencing, and a fear of how I will be perceived in that. What I am noticing which is really interesting is my minds need for clarity, to understand, and not really to understand for myself but more to understand so that I can articulate, so that then I can be perceived as being strong within my vulnerability, rather than maybe being perceived as appearing messy, weak or untrustworthy.
Whilst having it all sorted is great when you touch it, those moments of clarity, of deep understanding are so utterly important on our road to empowerment.These moments of truth, clarity and understanding are what we need to create the changes in our lives which are necessary for our own growth and development. However, sometimes, just sometimes we are trying to avoid feeling the depths of ourselves for fear of how we will be perceived. I am speaking for myself here, but I know I am also speaking for the collective.
There is an epidemic that runs through our collective consciousness and it controls our emotional body. It is stifling us and stopping us from feeling ourselves all the way through. This giant pot of unfelt and unexpressed feeling creates an energy of unease in the collective, and disconnection from ourselves, each other and our environment.
I believe it is this disconnection from feeling that is the cause of our relentless pollution and raping of the planet, it is the reason we create war and favour financial gain over what is right, it is the reason we can tolerate emotional, physical and sexual abuse happening all over our planet .The reason why 21,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes, (according to the United Nations). This is one person every four seconds. Sadly, it is children who die most often. Yet there is plenty of food in the world for everyone..
Our job as conscious loving beings is to help heal this collective unconscious. Every time one of us has the courage to feel the part of our self we have hidden from others, we not only heal it for ourselves, we are also releasing this giant pressure of the collective unconscious.
It’s important to note that there are times when we need to consciously feel ourselves as a victim, in order feel ourselves all the way through. We can however, fall into an unhealthy victim mentality when we sit in vulnerability too long without dropping beneath to what is needed, and asking ourselves what is this vulnerability trying to help me reach towards. I’d like to state here and recognise that it is important to gain understanding alongside our emotional body thats the dance of the mature masculine and feminine energies within us. . However, from what I have seen and witnessed in myself and seen in others it can be a diversion away from really feeling it all. There is a beauty in just being in the emotion of vulnerability of allowing it to break you open. There can be an unhealthy part of the immature masculine that is trying to gain control over the emotional body, by needing understanding to feel safe, rather than allowing the understanding to come and being able to be in the uncomfortable space of feeling and not knowing which creates space for the clarity to drop in.
What I witnessed in myself this morning is there is a place inside of myself that is so raw, so utterly fragile, it feels as though it is an eggshell within my heart and rather than trying to understand it ( which I notice I am doing even now as I try to express myself) if I am able to just feel it and allow the words to flow out of it in their own time, each word feeling in resonance with this fragile core within my heart, it feels as though these words are coming directly from my soul, yet they are communicating what I perceive as being the most small and human part of me, whilst at the same time a tremendous power and depth of being.
Sometimes there is just that one last piece, that part of us that just holding back just a little, that’s not able to fully let go, to surrender, that’s trying to maintain some kind of control or appearance of having it all sorted, for fear of being seen as weak, undesirable, unstable, crazy, out of control, lost, unintegrated or all of the above. For me this vulnerable piece is holding onto a belief that I can’t fully let go here, I can’t surrender I need to hold this last little piece for fear of – who is going to catch me? I’m the only one who can catch myself, I can’t let this go, I can’t trust. I will fall into this abyss it’s scary, it’s vulnerable and vulnerability is just well vulnerable it’s an awkward feeling to feel.
Even writing this article I feel fear and shame about not having it all completely sussed out and tied up in a neat little package of understanding, tied up in a nice bow of consciousness and wrapped in wisdom and clarity!
I am preparing for a trip to Israel to co-facilitate on the International School of Temple Arts Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience and am finding myself in a space of deep vulnerability. My heart feels open, cracked open the fragile eggshell part of myself revealled. I am trembling inside with such a beautiful frequency of realness, authenticity and heart. As I pack my bags I am also mentally and emotionally packing my bags and gathering all parts of myself, even my fear. Going to Israel is a complete adventure for me, I feel as though I am taking to this war torn country with me a very fragile vibration of love. In it’s tenderness, inside this beautiful eggshell of love there is a trembling fear. Fear and shame that this beautiful part of myself doesn’t have it all together and is out of control.
I feel bad that I am taking more fear into this war torn country, surely they have enough fear, I should be bringing more love, I am sure this land is thirsty for love. As I feel deeper into my heart and being, and I rest back into myself I know I am in exactly the right state of being. Love isn’t packaged, and neatly packed in a bright bow, it is messy wild and unruly. It messes up your hair, your make-up, your perfectly manicured face and carefully selected wardrobe neatly packed in your suitcase. It doesn’t give a fuck about co-ordinated outfits or how you are perceived by others.
This force of love that I am connecting to, and I am fearful of in fact, is opening me into a graceful and messy state of authenticity and realness – this is my gift to Israel. I come warts and all, with love at my centre and deep compassion in my heart for this mysterious, wild and curious expression we call love. I allow it to break me open and know that love will catch me and I look forward to connecting with you Israel, and am in humble appreciation of being in service to love, at this time, on this planet, in this body.
I hope to meet you in realness and authenticity in Israel should this sharing tug at your core.GIA1J2XfKUlTrCi5ieTttyhb6i7VQasCZHePt_FjFAg,eIomSe8vntLHMqv3l8LwhpMKvC0gQxDErHCUXlPs0QI,Z2gV6dbcoBafFJaYpd27TZpcBeY6ZRIjn5z5ap3G0FA,KzNIQdg4eW5OYRfwciAO33GV1bWsp6d6amF_X0V9YVU

Authentic Connection

Authentic Connection


How do we desire to be treated by others?

Are we able to be that in OUR interactions with others?

How do we enable others to treat us in ways that don’t feel so good and in tiny ways, or sometimes-huge ways, abandon ourselves and act in-authentically?


When does true authentic connection happen, and what enables this?


These are some of the questions we will be exploring during this weeks FUNdamentals of Tantra evening.


For a lot of people the word Tantra speaks of sexuality, but it is so much more that this. Sexuality is just a piece in the puzzle of living a Tantric life.


A lot of the tools and skills we explore during a 101 Tantra evening we can implement into our sexual and intimate lives.


Sex is ultimately the most physically intimate way we can connect with each other. I find it amazing that this most intimate way of connecting can also be the polar opposite of that. Have you ever had really disconnected sex? Have you ever had sex with someone and it felt distant, cold, unconnected… maybe you only felt this afterwards? It is in these most intimate moments with each other that the fundamental tools and skills can be so much harder to practice, and yet so incredibly rewarding and fulfilling ultimately when we do.


If we are able to be fully present in the felt sense of ourselves, to listen deeply to our own truth in each moment then our sexuality can come alive, making sex a sacred, magical space of ultimate deep communion not only with each other but also with the Divine, the one life that is moving through all of us. We can ultimately dissolve all separation and drop into the pure authentic connection with all that is.


This ultimate connection with all that is, is the fuel behind our desire for communion with another. This is why authentic connection with another feels so good it is a step towards our pathway home!


The body knows: the body has a deep intelligence and wisdom. The mind may be saying something else.


For many of us unmet needs from early childhood program us into unhealthy ways of gaining love, affection, appreciation and approval in adult life. Thus learning to be authentic can be a challenging road.

We can choose to either continue in ways that feel inauthentic, or we can learn to fulfil these needs within ourselves. If we learn to do the latter this frees us up to be more real in life. By giving ourselves the approval, the love, the appreciation we desire, we can then move towards others from a place of wanting to share an experience of authentic connection, rather than moving from a place of need or lack.


The other way of working with these unmet needs is by owning them and asking clearly for what you are wanting in any situation.


It is the unsaid, the unspoken, which can be felt anyway, even if it is not being said, that feels icky, and can sour our relationship with others.


Whenever you come from truth, even if you feel it may not be received well, it frees the situation, the interaction into being something real. Having the courage to be authentic requires commitment to loving yourself first and foremost.


For myself the most challenging part of this journey into self-empowerment has been to learn to be truly authentic especially in my sexual life. They say we teach what we need to learn! It has been through this path of confessing to myself that some of my strategies to gain love affection, appreciation, and approval have not been so healthy. I have learnt that abandoning myself time and time again does not serve me, or the person to which I am relating. I have had to get really honest with myself, to admit my feelings of inadequacy, my fear of abandonment and actually my desire to be so much more too!


I have in the past pushed others away when these feelings come up, rather than being able to be intimately connected and seen in these uncomfortable feelings. I would sulk, hint, and expect the other to know what I needed. Too many times on this journey of authenticity I have been so clear on what I don’t want, but have been unable to connect with what it is I am actually wanting! Thankfully I am learning patience with this part of myself, I am still learning how to connect to and voice my desires. It’s like learning anything I struggle, I fall, I get back up, I try again, I get disillusioned and then I have a breakthrough!


Each time I act in a more loving way to myself that pathway becomes stronger, my awareness gets clearer, and I become more skilled more proficient, halleluiah! I start to get the hang of being authentically human and authentic connection with others.


I would be lying if I said I had this sorted, but I have learnt some amazing things along this journey so far.


I would love to share with you some practices that help to develop authentic connection, please feel welcome to join me this Thursday at 12 Horopito st Mt Eden, Auckland 7:45pm







Tantra Retreats? ….My Journey into sacred Sexuality – By Ellie Wilde


Walking into a room of participants at a retreat I had spontaneously said yes to, in a moment of courage, I began to wonder why I was there, what was I getting myself into?

I eyed the room suspiciously wondering if I was going to have to have sex with these people? I couldn’t even remember the name of the event, I just knew that the 5 minute dialogue on Facebook chat thread I’d had with the founder of the organisation running these events Baba Dez Nichols was enough to bring me to tears, and then spend $2000NZ on my credit card a moment later…. I knew I had to be there with every cell of my being.

This was my very first Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience – back then it was a practitioner training. Little did I know the powerful impact on me that event would have?

I was just 3 months out of probably one of the most emotionally toxic and sexually disempowering relationships of my life. I had hit rock bottom, questioning how on earth could my relational and sexual life have got so god damn far removed from what I truly wanted. Sure as Marianne Williamson says“ treat relationships like assignments, every one, an opportunity to learn to grow” apparently it’s all here to help us? Well all I can say is that was an interesting assignment. Actually in retrospect it was a catalyst for me to discover my own responsibility for my journey, and encourage me to do something I was totally scared shitless of doing in an attempt to empower myself.. and rediscover my sexuality -attend a “Tantra” event!!!

The Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience is not a really a Tantric Retreat it is a personal empowerment program, a radically transformational experience and you know why it is so powerful? Because it includes sexuality, it includes the part most people like to leave well alone. The biggest wound on our planet is the sexual guilt and shame we are holding. This once sacred part of our humanity has become for many of us a distortion of its original blueprint, and of what this vital force of energy was intended to be for us.

The Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience helps us to reclaim the Divinity of our sexuality, the dark and the light. To remember its sacredness and its place in our life- helping us to feel more alive, more empowered, connected to our feelings our bodies our humanity and can enable us to have an embodied experience of our spiritual essence.

So back to the retreat going around the circle I noticed that most of the people were already working in some kind of personal development capacity, coaches, psychologists, healers, sacred Sexual healers (wow what was that I thought? I had never heard of that) My mind boggled – at last I was in a workshop space where I felt I had to stretch to maintain the same level of consciousness as these people.

Going around the circle people shared their reasons for attending… I felt deeply humbled to be in such an amazing group of individuals. Then came my turn to share….. I flushed red; every thing I had rehearsed in my head went blank… “ And then. “I just want to have better sex…” Fell out of my mouth… “I’m tired of the shit sex life I have… I have no idea how to create the relationships I want. I just know …what I DON’T want?” It was the simple truth. No dressing it up, or trying to make myself look better.

What I actually experienced on that week was a profound shift on many levels. I learnt how to own and connect to my inner masculine, I could no longer blame it on the guy in front of me, this was about me showing up for myself, about me speaking my truth, finding my voice – even when I felt like I couldn’t.

I learnt to drop even more deeply into my body and feel in a way I had never done before. I felt pain so deep, so raw, so incredibly heartbreaking that it was no longer my story it was humanity’s story, the earths story and I cried out like a wounded dog a cry from deep within my bowels, it turned me inside out. And it felt so fucking good. I felt a thousand tons lighter afterwards and I swear it took several years off my face… no Botox needed.

Food began to taste better, like I could feel the food, as I tasted it. The earth took on a vibrating pulsing rhythm that my body responded to. I developed an intimate connection with the world around me, like everything had been switched brighter turned up somehow. I learnt how to move emotions through my body, to release this pent up rage and frustration. I learnt how to release blocked energy and pain held in my genitals, and amazingly enough I was able to release it through laughter!

I learnt how to say no!!! Why on earth did no one teach me these things before for Christ sake I was a forty-year-old woman? Why didn’t we learn this stuff before we launched into the world of intimate relationships?

And I also learnt to say YES… I learnt to lean into the discomfort and say yes to IT ALL!

My life hasn’t been the same since. I was so transformed by this experience that it became my path. I continued to explore Conscious Sexuality thirsty to discover more secrets to feeling more, to connecting with my power my pleasure and my purpose. My previous relationship faded into the distance, I started to see how grateful I was for all of my relationships in fact, and how they had been so significant in shaping this very exact moment now. My life just got more amazing, and it continues to hold an incredible richness and texture.

One of the most powerful things I learnt was to embrace the contradiction. That in fact I was everything, that I am, actually everything. I learnt to own it all – the bitch, the liar, the gentle child, the angel, the demon, the Essex girl and the Essex lad the high priestess – I am all of it. Good bad naughty nice.

This world of duality suddenly began to make more sense. I didn’t need to heal the bad bits and try to rid myself of them, I needed to own them to love them, to let those energies run through me and feel them, so what if I was fucked up insecure AND amazingly powerful and confident I CAN actually be all of that. I am all of that. What a relief!

I am so grateful for all the amazing teachers who have walked along side of me and to those in my life now who continue to be an inspiration for when I fall down.

To those who have supported me to find these answers for myself, and to inspire me to turn the fuck up for myself, this is my life, and no one else is going to do for it for me.

I feel immense gratitude to all of my teachers and to all of my clients and relationships who continue to teach me. I feel so blessed to share this sacred journey with so many people.

So back to the Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience, that I am co-teaching on by the way, which was my original inspiration to share this story, Just one women’s story, there are hundreds of others. Which speak of similar transformation… I guess what I am trying to say is…. don’t come to this event if you quite like the way you are and don’t want to radically transform, don’t bother if your life is comfy and you’d rather not be faced with yourself.

If you are ready to jump off the cliff, if maybe you have been having a rather long coffee break, sipping lattes and watching back-to-back episodes of your latest TV series addiction is great don’t get me wrong – but lets get real here this is not a fucking dress rehearsal! if you have had enough of trying to fix yourself or improve yourself through other means, if you really want to come home to yourself….then I encourage you to take this leap… To journey with us… into the field of the Spiritual… Sexual.. Shamanic… Experience and see what it unfolds for you.

To book your place on the spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience , here once again in New Zealand  click here.


Tribal Gathering

Dear Tribe,

We are feeling called to offer a Tribal Gathering before the year is out. To gather, share, empower ourselves, to support one another to truly be who we are in this world!

We have decided to go with the theme SEX , POWER and MONEY !

Each of these areas carries enormous potential for liberation, freedom, love and joy, as well as for integrating & healing our golden and painful shadow aspects.

For many of us the journey into Conscious Sexuality shows ways in which we are not fully claiming and owning our power, we may be still holding onto limiting beliefs around our sexuality? Money and manifestation?

There is another reason for us wanting to gather as a Tribe a more personal one that affects us as a collective Rataroa Retreats is going on the market this week. Rataroa has been a place of healing and transformation for many – offering retreats and trainings over the last three years.

We have cried, screamed, sweated, laughed, orgasmed, talked, shared, hugged, ranted, panted, meditated, ejaculated, shamanicly integrated. Splashed in streams, plunged in pools, ran naked, copulated, gone wild with mud, came down to earth with a thud! A lot has happened in this place for many of us.

We’d love to gather you all here, possibly it’s the last time, we may hold a gathering on this land. We’d love to honour the spirits of the land with you, and send our collective intentions into the ethers for how we can all support this growing field of love here in NZ.

We’d love to share a powerful experience with you all. Regan and myself will guide and hold point for the wknd, scheduled into the program will be time to give and receive session work plus have the opportunity to hang and connect as a tribe. Shamanic processes around Sex Power and Money, Land Journeys, an Orgastic Cacao Dance Ceremony and many more delectable delights!

We’d love for as many people as possible to come so we are doing it at this low price, hopefully then the $$ will not be a deterrent for you all to attend!

We want your support and to come to-gather as a community in this time of change.

Price for wknd : $195 before end October $250 thereafter.

Payments to:
E J Lawler ; 38-9016-0063824-01
or Pay Pal ( please add 4% fee) to

We sincerely hope you can make it .

Price includes accom. excludes food! Please bring yummy food to share for the entirety of your stay!!

*****Please note that if you wish to stay the Sunday evening it’s $25 extra plus you are partially responsible for the final clean/tidy up *****

Love Regan and Ellie