How do we desire to be treated by others?
Are we able to be that in OUR interactions with others?
How do we enable others to treat us in ways that don’t feel so good and in tiny ways, or sometimes-huge ways, abandon ourselves and act in-authentically?
When does true authentic connection happen, and what enables this?
These are some of the questions we will be exploring during this weeks FUNdamentals of Tantra evening.
For a lot of people the word Tantra speaks of sexuality, but it is so much more that this. Sexuality is just a piece in the puzzle of living a Tantric life.
A lot of the tools and skills we explore during a 101 Tantra evening we can implement into our sexual and intimate lives.
Sex is ultimately the most physically intimate way we can connect with each other. I find it amazing that this most intimate way of connecting can also be the polar opposite of that. Have you ever had really disconnected sex? Have you ever had sex with someone and it felt distant, cold, unconnected… maybe you only felt this afterwards? It is in these most intimate moments with each other that the fundamental tools and skills can be so much harder to practice, and yet so incredibly rewarding and fulfilling ultimately when we do.
If we are able to be fully present in the felt sense of ourselves, to listen deeply to our own truth in each moment then our sexuality can come alive, making sex a sacred, magical space of ultimate deep communion not only with each other but also with the Divine, the one life that is moving through all of us. We can ultimately dissolve all separation and drop into the pure authentic connection with all that is.
This ultimate connection with all that is, is the fuel behind our desire for communion with another. This is why authentic connection with another feels so good it is a step towards our pathway home!
The body knows: the body has a deep intelligence and wisdom. The mind may be saying something else.
For many of us unmet needs from early childhood program us into unhealthy ways of gaining love, affection, appreciation and approval in adult life. Thus learning to be authentic can be a challenging road.
We can choose to either continue in ways that feel inauthentic, or we can learn to fulfil these needs within ourselves. If we learn to do the latter this frees us up to be more real in life. By giving ourselves the approval, the love, the appreciation we desire, we can then move towards others from a place of wanting to share an experience of authentic connection, rather than moving from a place of need or lack.
The other way of working with these unmet needs is by owning them and asking clearly for what you are wanting in any situation.
It is the unsaid, the unspoken, which can be felt anyway, even if it is not being said, that feels icky, and can sour our relationship with others.
Whenever you come from truth, even if you feel it may not be received well, it frees the situation, the interaction into being something real. Having the courage to be authentic requires commitment to loving yourself first and foremost.
For myself the most challenging part of this journey into self-empowerment has been to learn to be truly authentic especially in my sexual life. They say we teach what we need to learn! It has been through this path of confessing to myself that some of my strategies to gain love affection, appreciation, and approval have not been so healthy. I have learnt that abandoning myself time and time again does not serve me, or the person to which I am relating. I have had to get really honest with myself, to admit my feelings of inadequacy, my fear of abandonment and actually my desire to be so much more too!
I have in the past pushed others away when these feelings come up, rather than being able to be intimately connected and seen in these uncomfortable feelings. I would sulk, hint, and expect the other to know what I needed. Too many times on this journey of authenticity I have been so clear on what I don’t want, but have been unable to connect with what it is I am actually wanting! Thankfully I am learning patience with this part of myself, I am still learning how to connect to and voice my desires. It’s like learning anything I struggle, I fall, I get back up, I try again, I get disillusioned and then I have a breakthrough!
Each time I act in a more loving way to myself that pathway becomes stronger, my awareness gets clearer, and I become more skilled more proficient, halleluiah! I start to get the hang of being authentically human and authentic connection with others.
I would be lying if I said I had this sorted, but I have learnt some amazing things along this journey so far.
I would love to share with you some practices that help to develop authentic connection, please feel welcome to join me this Thursday at 12 Horopito st Mt Eden, Auckland 7:45pm