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Authentic Connection

Authentic Connection


How do we desire to be treated by others?

Are we able to be that in OUR interactions with others?

How do we enable others to treat us in ways that don’t feel so good and in tiny ways, or sometimes-huge ways, abandon ourselves and act in-authentically?


When does true authentic connection happen, and what enables this?


These are some of the questions we will be exploring during this weeks FUNdamentals of Tantra evening.


For a lot of people the word Tantra speaks of sexuality, but it is so much more that this. Sexuality is just a piece in the puzzle of living a Tantric life.


A lot of the tools and skills we explore during a 101 Tantra evening we can implement into our sexual and intimate lives.


Sex is ultimately the most physically intimate way we can connect with each other. I find it amazing that this most intimate way of connecting can also be the polar opposite of that. Have you ever had really disconnected sex? Have you ever had sex with someone and it felt distant, cold, unconnected… maybe you only felt this afterwards? It is in these most intimate moments with each other that the fundamental tools and skills can be so much harder to practice, and yet so incredibly rewarding and fulfilling ultimately when we do.


If we are able to be fully present in the felt sense of ourselves, to listen deeply to our own truth in each moment then our sexuality can come alive, making sex a sacred, magical space of ultimate deep communion not only with each other but also with the Divine, the one life that is moving through all of us. We can ultimately dissolve all separation and drop into the pure authentic connection with all that is.


This ultimate connection with all that is, is the fuel behind our desire for communion with another. This is why authentic connection with another feels so good it is a step towards our pathway home!


The body knows: the body has a deep intelligence and wisdom. The mind may be saying something else.


For many of us unmet needs from early childhood program us into unhealthy ways of gaining love, affection, appreciation and approval in adult life. Thus learning to be authentic can be a challenging road.

We can choose to either continue in ways that feel inauthentic, or we can learn to fulfil these needs within ourselves. If we learn to do the latter this frees us up to be more real in life. By giving ourselves the approval, the love, the appreciation we desire, we can then move towards others from a place of wanting to share an experience of authentic connection, rather than moving from a place of need or lack.


The other way of working with these unmet needs is by owning them and asking clearly for what you are wanting in any situation.


It is the unsaid, the unspoken, which can be felt anyway, even if it is not being said, that feels icky, and can sour our relationship with others.


Whenever you come from truth, even if you feel it may not be received well, it frees the situation, the interaction into being something real. Having the courage to be authentic requires commitment to loving yourself first and foremost.


For myself the most challenging part of this journey into self-empowerment has been to learn to be truly authentic especially in my sexual life. They say we teach what we need to learn! It has been through this path of confessing to myself that some of my strategies to gain love affection, appreciation, and approval have not been so healthy. I have learnt that abandoning myself time and time again does not serve me, or the person to which I am relating. I have had to get really honest with myself, to admit my feelings of inadequacy, my fear of abandonment and actually my desire to be so much more too!


I have in the past pushed others away when these feelings come up, rather than being able to be intimately connected and seen in these uncomfortable feelings. I would sulk, hint, and expect the other to know what I needed. Too many times on this journey of authenticity I have been so clear on what I don’t want, but have been unable to connect with what it is I am actually wanting! Thankfully I am learning patience with this part of myself, I am still learning how to connect to and voice my desires. It’s like learning anything I struggle, I fall, I get back up, I try again, I get disillusioned and then I have a breakthrough!


Each time I act in a more loving way to myself that pathway becomes stronger, my awareness gets clearer, and I become more skilled more proficient, halleluiah! I start to get the hang of being authentically human and authentic connection with others.


I would be lying if I said I had this sorted, but I have learnt some amazing things along this journey so far.


I would love to share with you some practices that help to develop authentic connection, please feel welcome to join me this Thursday at 12 Horopito st Mt Eden, Auckland 7:45pm







Tantra Retreats? ….My Journey into sacred Sexuality – By Ellie Wilde


Walking into a room of participants at a retreat I had spontaneously said yes to, in a moment of courage, I began to wonder why I was there, what was I getting myself into?

I eyed the room suspiciously wondering if I was going to have to have sex with these people? I couldn’t even remember the name of the event, I just knew that the 5 minute dialogue on Facebook chat thread I’d had with the founder of the organisation running these events Baba Dez Nichols was enough to bring me to tears, and then spend $2000NZ on my credit card a moment later…. I knew I had to be there with every cell of my being.

This was my very first Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience – back then it was a practitioner training. Little did I know the powerful impact on me that event would have?

I was just 3 months out of probably one of the most emotionally toxic and sexually disempowering relationships of my life. I had hit rock bottom, questioning how on earth could my relational and sexual life have got so god damn far removed from what I truly wanted. Sure as Marianne Williamson says“ treat relationships like assignments, every one, an opportunity to learn to grow” apparently it’s all here to help us? Well all I can say is that was an interesting assignment. Actually in retrospect it was a catalyst for me to discover my own responsibility for my journey, and encourage me to do something I was totally scared shitless of doing in an attempt to empower myself.. and rediscover my sexuality -attend a “Tantra” event!!!

The Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience is not a really a Tantric Retreat it is a personal empowerment program, a radically transformational experience and you know why it is so powerful? Because it includes sexuality, it includes the part most people like to leave well alone. The biggest wound on our planet is the sexual guilt and shame we are holding. This once sacred part of our humanity has become for many of us a distortion of its original blueprint, and of what this vital force of energy was intended to be for us.

The Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience helps us to reclaim the Divinity of our sexuality, the dark and the light. To remember its sacredness and its place in our life- helping us to feel more alive, more empowered, connected to our feelings our bodies our humanity and can enable us to have an embodied experience of our spiritual essence.

So back to the retreat going around the circle I noticed that most of the people were already working in some kind of personal development capacity, coaches, psychologists, healers, sacred Sexual healers (wow what was that I thought? I had never heard of that) My mind boggled – at last I was in a workshop space where I felt I had to stretch to maintain the same level of consciousness as these people.

Going around the circle people shared their reasons for attending… I felt deeply humbled to be in such an amazing group of individuals. Then came my turn to share….. I flushed red; every thing I had rehearsed in my head went blank… “ And then. “I just want to have better sex…” Fell out of my mouth… “I’m tired of the shit sex life I have… I have no idea how to create the relationships I want. I just know …what I DON’T want?” It was the simple truth. No dressing it up, or trying to make myself look better.

What I actually experienced on that week was a profound shift on many levels. I learnt how to own and connect to my inner masculine, I could no longer blame it on the guy in front of me, this was about me showing up for myself, about me speaking my truth, finding my voice – even when I felt like I couldn’t.

I learnt to drop even more deeply into my body and feel in a way I had never done before. I felt pain so deep, so raw, so incredibly heartbreaking that it was no longer my story it was humanity’s story, the earths story and I cried out like a wounded dog a cry from deep within my bowels, it turned me inside out. And it felt so fucking good. I felt a thousand tons lighter afterwards and I swear it took several years off my face… no Botox needed.

Food began to taste better, like I could feel the food, as I tasted it. The earth took on a vibrating pulsing rhythm that my body responded to. I developed an intimate connection with the world around me, like everything had been switched brighter turned up somehow. I learnt how to move emotions through my body, to release this pent up rage and frustration. I learnt how to release blocked energy and pain held in my genitals, and amazingly enough I was able to release it through laughter!

I learnt how to say no!!! Why on earth did no one teach me these things before for Christ sake I was a forty-year-old woman? Why didn’t we learn this stuff before we launched into the world of intimate relationships?

And I also learnt to say YES… I learnt to lean into the discomfort and say yes to IT ALL!

My life hasn’t been the same since. I was so transformed by this experience that it became my path. I continued to explore Conscious Sexuality thirsty to discover more secrets to feeling more, to connecting with my power my pleasure and my purpose. My previous relationship faded into the distance, I started to see how grateful I was for all of my relationships in fact, and how they had been so significant in shaping this very exact moment now. My life just got more amazing, and it continues to hold an incredible richness and texture.

One of the most powerful things I learnt was to embrace the contradiction. That in fact I was everything, that I am, actually everything. I learnt to own it all – the bitch, the liar, the gentle child, the angel, the demon, the Essex girl and the Essex lad the high priestess – I am all of it. Good bad naughty nice.

This world of duality suddenly began to make more sense. I didn’t need to heal the bad bits and try to rid myself of them, I needed to own them to love them, to let those energies run through me and feel them, so what if I was fucked up insecure AND amazingly powerful and confident I CAN actually be all of that. I am all of that. What a relief!

I am so grateful for all the amazing teachers who have walked along side of me and to those in my life now who continue to be an inspiration for when I fall down.

To those who have supported me to find these answers for myself, and to inspire me to turn the fuck up for myself, this is my life, and no one else is going to do for it for me.

I feel immense gratitude to all of my teachers and to all of my clients and relationships who continue to teach me. I feel so blessed to share this sacred journey with so many people.

So back to the Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience, that I am co-teaching on by the way, which was my original inspiration to share this story, Just one women’s story, there are hundreds of others. Which speak of similar transformation… I guess what I am trying to say is…. don’t come to this event if you quite like the way you are and don’t want to radically transform, don’t bother if your life is comfy and you’d rather not be faced with yourself.

If you are ready to jump off the cliff, if maybe you have been having a rather long coffee break, sipping lattes and watching back-to-back episodes of your latest TV series addiction is great don’t get me wrong – but lets get real here this is not a fucking dress rehearsal! if you have had enough of trying to fix yourself or improve yourself through other means, if you really want to come home to yourself….then I encourage you to take this leap… To journey with us… into the field of the Spiritual… Sexual.. Shamanic… Experience and see what it unfolds for you.

To book your place on the spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience , here once again in New Zealand  click here.


Tribal Gathering

Dear Tribe,

We are feeling called to offer a Tribal Gathering before the year is out. To gather, share, empower ourselves, to support one another to truly be who we are in this world!

We have decided to go with the theme SEX , POWER and MONEY !

Each of these areas carries enormous potential for liberation, freedom, love and joy, as well as for integrating & healing our golden and painful shadow aspects.

For many of us the journey into Conscious Sexuality shows ways in which we are not fully claiming and owning our power, we may be still holding onto limiting beliefs around our sexuality? Money and manifestation?

There is another reason for us wanting to gather as a Tribe a more personal one that affects us as a collective Rataroa Retreats is going on the market this week. Rataroa has been a place of healing and transformation for many – offering retreats and trainings over the last three years.

We have cried, screamed, sweated, laughed, orgasmed, talked, shared, hugged, ranted, panted, meditated, ejaculated, shamanicly integrated. Splashed in streams, plunged in pools, ran naked, copulated, gone wild with mud, came down to earth with a thud! A lot has happened in this place for many of us.

We’d love to gather you all here, possibly it’s the last time, we may hold a gathering on this land. We’d love to honour the spirits of the land with you, and send our collective intentions into the ethers for how we can all support this growing field of love here in NZ.

We’d love to share a powerful experience with you all. Regan and myself will guide and hold point for the wknd, scheduled into the program will be time to give and receive session work plus have the opportunity to hang and connect as a tribe. Shamanic processes around Sex Power and Money, Land Journeys, an Orgastic Cacao Dance Ceremony and many more delectable delights!

We’d love for as many people as possible to come so we are doing it at this low price, hopefully then the $$ will not be a deterrent for you all to attend!

We want your support and to come to-gather as a community in this time of change.

Price for wknd : $195 before end October $250 thereafter.

Payments to:
E J Lawler ; 38-9016-0063824-01
or Pay Pal ( please add 4% fee) to

We sincerely hope you can make it .

Price includes accom. excludes food! Please bring yummy food to share for the entirety of your stay!!

*****Please note that if you wish to stay the Sunday evening it’s $25 extra plus you are partially responsible for the final clean/tidy up *****

Love Regan and Ellie



Conscious Sexuality for beginners: Consent and Boundaries



What I’ve noticed through exploring the field of conscious sexuality over the last few years and moving more into my own personal power and inner wisdom, is the importance, in fact I’d go so far to say, how vital it is to really be authentic with your yes’s and no’s.



As tribal beings and in our relationships we will often agree to do things in order to be liked, loved even, and to fulfill expectations from others. Many people go to a job each day that they are a ‘no’ to. In my early years and up-bringing in the UK that was a totally acceptable and even expected part of my community, family, society- you simply did things in life you didn’t want to do in order to ‘get by’ I often heard it justified as “that’s life Ellie!”


There was something in me that didn’t want to accept that reality, it was this drive that took me from my homeland, steady job, family friends etc. and embark on a trip across the world in search of a different way of living. This was 16years ago and I have managed to keep my commitment to living in a way that feels true to me ever since: Forming my own life, and moving towards having a full ‘yes’ to what it is I choose to do in life. It’s a trip but I’m so grateful for the journey the learning, the growth and this deepening trust that’s developing.


Anyway back to the YES and NO.


Working with people in the arena of Conscious Sexuality and Tantra and seeing people go through workshops, as well as working one on one with many people, I am discovering we all have different ways of finding a yes or a no to requests and situations. We also all have a different skills and different levels of ability at being able to feel our own personal boundaries. For many of us, if we are so used to overriding our boundaries out of fear, or confrontation, or a desire to be liked,  feeling into what we really want, and whether we are a YES or a NO to things can feel unfamiliar and difficult.

This is the result of years of conditioning yourself out of your authentic response.


Sometimes the mind too can say one thing, and then when you pause and take the time to feel a response there is another answer. The head can  logically be saying one thing but the felt sense is communicating something else. Quite often we do not slow down enough to listen and allow this information from the felt sense. This feeling sense and how to access it more deeply in life is what I have become really interested in exploring.


We are made to feel. We feel hope. We feel honour. We feel when the car is going too fast around the curve. We feel shame. We feel our sit bones on the chair and our stomach rising and falling from each breath. Feeling is a deep biological inheritance that tells us what we care about and how to generate care. Feeling informs us what we are willing to fight for, whom we can trust, and when we must protect ourselves. Feeling manifests love into a felt, lived experience.


To help people to move from a thinking based reality, to a full body feeling based reality is a fundamental part of the work I am doing.


When I say feeling I don’t mean having a feeling or emotion, although that may happen. I don’t mean feeling as in a warm fuzzy way of living that makes you abandon logic or the thinking part of yourself, I don’t mean becoming too sentimental and being associated only with the movements within the heart, although that is a beautiful part.


I simply mean turning the attention inwards to the life of the body, to the source of your vitality and aliveness. As you begin to utilize feeling and sensation as feedback, as information about your environment your choices and your interactions, you become an open, learning-oriented being. You become more self-sensing and self-organizing, transforming your usual patterns of behavior and functioning in a way that eases the pressure and allows the organism of who you are to follow its own natural course toward healing and self-renewal, so there is no problem to fix.


When we turn our attention towards feeling life, we are transported into a more amplified level of aliveness.


So coming back to the yes’s and no’s in life. Coming back to understanding that we are much more than a mind with a logical based reality. We contain a vast array of information giving systems informing us of what is life affirming, life giving. What ignites our vital life force energy and what depletes it? We could also go so far as saying -What elongates our life and what shortens it and causes degeneration? Listening to a gut response, waiting for a moment as to whether something is feeling good in your system or not, rather than just going with what your mind is telling you is the first step and slowing everything down, so that you actually have the time to feel your response to things.


For me personally my journey with boundaries has been a struggle. The people pleasing part of me would often have me saying yes when I meant no, because I didn’t want to offend, appear selfish etc. What I have also noticed through taking people through exercises that encourage authenticity is that for some of us, the programming is so hard wired into us, because of our culture, personality etc., even in a workshop where you are given permission to say your authentic truth, people time and time again will still fall into overriding their boundaries and do something they weren’t a full yes to. We have become so compliant, so trained to ignore our feeling responses.


The other thing that I am curious about is how does a yes feel? How do you know from your feeling response if you are a yes? Or a no? What does a yes physically feel like? What do you notice happening in your body when you are a yes to something? What do you feel like when you are a no? And a common issue when you are neither a yes nor a no? When you are confused, blank or simply a “maybe” what then? How does that feel in your body? And what do you do to take care of yourself in this instance? My answer would be to buy yourself a little more time “ Can I get back to you on that? “ or “I’d like to sleep on it” and only say yes when you’re sure. A maybe is a no.


If you are wanting to live a more embodied reality, if you are wanting to hear what the deeper intelligence within your being is communicating to you  simply get used to feeling into your body. Notice yourself on the level of sensation, notice any swirling currents that you can feel, notice temperature, what feeling state are you in? What’s your emotional inner landscape? Practice getting an internal weather report.


Making this practice more and more part of your daily life will help you to check into your feeling response rather than coming from the mind only.


There are also some great meditational practices out there that enhance your ability to feel into the body, developing a relationship to your own body wisdom.

Some teachers and practices that I can recommend are:

Leslie Temple Thurston- Gateway to Samadhi

Judith Blackstone- The Realization Process

Also the Human Design System is a great way of understanding yourself and your relationship with your body wisdom.

Beauty and the Beast

Delving deeper into my feminine aspect has been both a journey of bliss and vibrant aliveness and torturous agonizing hard truths.

As I become more transparent in my needs and desires, more honest in my expression of authenticity I have had a to face up to the fact that:

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Opening to Desire

DESIRE: the word for me can conjure up scenes of naughty hidden secrets; red silks blowing in the wind, a large four-poster bed, exotic locations and mystery lovers..Maybe it’s my imagination running away with me, but I link it to erotic pleasures, melted chocolate and candles, it has a devilish feel. To me it has felt a loaded word that somehow evoked a feeling of selfishness, a belief that my desires could come at the expense of others, that I will be judged for this.

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Virgin and the Whore

In my humble opinion and as a woman in the Conscious Sexuality and Tantric Community a lot of emphasis seems to be put on us finding our “inner whore”.

“Connect to Lilith, the wild wanton part of yourself, its just your hang ups and social conditioning that’s preventing you from truly feeling your desire, inside of you is a wild wanton bitch, she is just so trussed up in shame and guilt you can no longer connect to her”

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The Seductive Nature of Collusion

Lets get honest here? I’m seeking to be more honest with myself and I am owning the part of myself that has been doing the following.

I’m wanting to grow this part of myself up, to become more empowered in my life, the following kind of behaviour is no longer sitting well with me or serving me in any way.

Thought I’d share, maybe this resonates with you?

How many of you gossip?

Okay so maybe you’ve learnt not to gossip but do you speak about another in a way you wouldn’t to their face?

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