I felt to share a topic that is dear to my heart and that is one of “women’s sexual pleasure.”

Too many times in my work I am dealing with a dynamic with couples where the women has no sexual desire and the man is craving more sex.

On the surface it looks like the man is just the one with the higher sex drive, but I say there is a deeper underlying issue, and that is that women are not taking responsibility for what they really crave sexually and asking for it.

When sex is just a paint by numbers approach and a physical experience of learning which buttons to push a women’s sexual desire will wain. Especially if it is all about reaching the big O. It becomes 2 dimensional and after sometime lbig Ooses its appeal. Sure lust is great in the beginning, but what we really crave, and forgive me if this feels different to your experience, but I feel what women really crave is a partner who can go all the way, who can penetrate her heart with his cock, with his love, with his presence, and penetrate it with power as well as being in her heart with her. She needs to feel his presence and that he is there for her in the act of lovemaking no matter what, then she can relax and go deeper. High arousal holds a vibration of deep vulnerability for women, if we are able to go through this with someone it can be an incredible opening of the heart.

The other thing to note about women’s sexual arousal is first and foremost for her full sexual arousal network to kick in she needs to feel safe. Her arousal starts in the parasympathetic nervous system the nervous system that is operating when we are at rest. It is not until our bodies feel deep trust that the arousal can start to happen, and then we move in the sympathetic as arousal starts to kick in and excitement builds. Too many times we may try to kick start our arousal system when there is not a feeling of deep trust and safety, maybe we feel rushed that we are taking too long, that he is more aroused, all of these things can hinder our arousal, and ultimately our deep pleasure.

The other thing is that there is so much more to the pleasure centres of the yoni than the clitoris, sure that is an incredibly sensitive and pleasurable spot on a woman yoni but the tip of the clitoris is just a tiny part of her full arousal system. When the whole system is engaged sexual arousal feels way different, penetration feels much more pleasurable, orgasms are deeper and more fulfilling and sex takes on a whole deeper level. It is when we are in these really hightened states of arousal that we can have more mystical experiences of sexual union, with ourselves, with the cosmos with God even as well as with the beloved in front of us.

Sex has the potential to take us back to source, I have my  most mystical experiences through sex not through spiritual practices of meditation etc.

When I was 30 I had an incredible experience of merging with everything. At the time I was studying tantra and reading a lot of books about tantric techniques for lovemaking. I had no idea of the potential back then, I was just interested to make sex more spiritual, I intuitively knew that sexual union could take me back to God, and I wanted that more than anything.

From a young age I had tried to figure out the meaning of life, why we were all here? How were we ever going to truly know ourselves? What was God and did he exist? What happened when we died? I wanted proof that what I saw here on this earth wasn’;t the whole picture to my existence . And so I got on the path of Tantra.

Luckily I had a willing partner, I think he just wanted the sex and was ok to do all these weird things with me especially if it meant it increased our chances of having sex for longer. Anyway one day whilst making love I visualised ( like the book said to) that we were one entity, one body with 4 arms and 4 legs 2 heads. I visualised it and then I began to feel it. As I embodied the feeling of us being one being it seemed to trip a switch in me, in my innocence I opened a portal and began to merge into oneness with everything. Information began to download into my consciousness, all of my questions were answered, its incredibly hard to put words to the experience but the closest I can get to it is to say – all I felt was this pure incredible love, and a feeling of remembering, in my mind all I could hear myself saying was…. of course! I became telepathic with my partner, time did not exist. The experience and energy was so profound I could barely speak afterwards.

I never spoke to him about it and to this day I do not know what his experience was. We sat in bed afterwards both staring at the wall in front of us, no words needed, just a state of pure calm. Its funny because I have a really difficult relationship with this man, he is the father of my son, this time was around the conception of my son. We have never really understood each other emotionally, there isn’t a deep spiritual or soul resonance, so I have no idea why this happened with him, its  a mystery…. and I am still in the mystery. In fact it was this experience that really got me hooked on tantra all those years ago, and I am still hooked and finding more and more wisdom through this path which isn’t just about sex to me tantra is about embracing and loving all parts of ourselves, it is about integration and coming home to oneself .

So back to pleasure…..

So for all the women out there, do you know what gives you pleasure? do you know what you really desire? have you ever sat with that question with a partner? it can be a powerful practice to set up a scenario where your partner is just their to serve your desires what ever they are, be they sexual or not, its a powerful practice, trust me, and see where it leads you, do it for at least an hour, I guarantee you will have fun! Although it can be hard at first sometimes to connect into your desire, especially if most of your life you have focussed on fulfilling other peoples, take your time and trust, sit with it and find to feel your authentic  desires, speak them out even if they seem inappropriate, too much, ridiculous or simple whatever is real, and keep digging deeper.

Once we really get to know our desires, and our anatomy, then we have a much better chance of having the types of sexual experiences we really crave, and then if we are having the kinds of sexual experiences that deeply fulfil us, and aren’t about meeting another needs then surely then we are going to be more interested in actually engaging sexually.

Taking responsibility for our desires, for our pleasure is really important for our well-being as women. Without pleasure in our lives we become dull, pinched listless, we find other things to try to compensate, we are more moody, sexual pleasure is a really important part of well-being. When a woman is fulfilled sexually she is more radiant, more loving, has many more of the feel good hormones running through her system, but it needs to be deeply fulfilling heart opening sexuality, not just a quick fix, that will deplete us eventually.

It takes great man to hold the space for a woman’s deep pleasure too, he has to let go of his need to release, and be free of goal orientation. And thats a whole other topic.

But if this ramble has stirred something in you, and you are a person with a pussie come along to my pussy talk happening this Wednesday in Tauranga. Following on from this talk if there is enough interest i want to host a demonstration of a yoni massage too.