Delving deeper into my feminine aspect has been both a journey of bliss and vibrant aliveness and torturous agonizing hard truths.

As I become more transparent in my needs and desires, more honest in my expression of authenticity I have had a to face up to the fact that:

  1. I am not always what everybody wants or desires
  2. I have felt the pain of how many times I have abandoned myself in order to try to be what everybody else wants and desires
  3. I have also connected with the part of myself that wants to control the experiences of others in order to get my needs met, to somehow make them what I want and desire.
  4. I have felt how I have used my emotions to control and manipulate situations.
  5. How I have not been brave enough to face the hard truth of my deepest fears, and how fragile and exposed I feel once I have dropped into a vulnerable enough space to share them.
  6. I have realised the times I have used my sexuality to gain power over others, to get my needs met, to feel loved, important, to get attention, opportunities, to feel powerful and in control.

I am connecting deeply with my unique inner beauty and also the beast within.

The beautifulness and the beastliness of being in a deep committed relationship is that it can be a loving and safe container to explore the more vulnerable parts of you. It can also be a place where you will do whatever you can to not own those parts and make it totally about the other and what THEY are doing.

How many times have I sworn blind that if THEY just stopped doing (a) (b) and (c) then all would be well? If only that were true then things would be simple!!!

Half asleep I did a meditation this morning and delved into some feeling of anger I felt towards my partner, letting the emotions rip me open, I allowed the full force of them to come through watching what was happening in my mind as this energy tore through my body and out onto the pillows I was punching. Tears poured down my face in frustration at myself, I lay back spent, a feeling of inertia and hopelessness washing over me, I drifted into half sleep, thinking about the issues rattling around in my head and the feelings present in my body. Thoughts and images came up of the behaviours in him that seemed to be causing this distress in me, and then popped in an image of a girl wearing red undies, in my half sleepiness I remember thinking yes and its because she is wearing red undies too that’s why… hmmm and that was my clue!

I saw the irrationality of my thinking, what I was seeing about the other the person outside was an imaginative story that was somehow validating my pain and suffering. It almost didn’t matter to me what it was about, just the sense that I was right, I had proof that my feelings were valid, it didn’t seem to matter whether any of the things I was imagining that were causing the pain were true or not. I wasn’t even questioning whether in fact there could have been a different perspective, so set on my story and the validity of it.

So where to from here…

Well as Anais Nin once famously said “ we don’t see things as they are we see things as we are…”

So I delve into why I need to be right? Why I need to cling to this story so much? Why do I hold so tightly to these feelings and this pain? Why can’t I just drop it and try looking at things from a different perspective?

FEAR

Fear is the reply I get back.

I’m afraid

I’m afraid I won’t be loved if I admit how weak I feel at times

I’m afraid to love those parts of myself for the fear that I’ll fall into a pit of self pity and realize how fragile I actually am when absorbed by my ego’s needs and desires… even though I’m telling all of those around me how fucking strong I am.

My rage and anger is just a thin veneer over a vast pit of worthlessness.

My fear is that others especially my partner have things more together than me, and that somehow he has/they have power in that that he/they can use against me when I feel most vulnerable.

And vulnerability is the key especially when I least want to go there, that is when I am at most beautiful my most real and most authentically human.