Why is it that vulnerability is a place that many of us consistently avoid going to? Why is it that vulnerability feels weak when actually, as I’m sure many of you will agree, it is often received as a tremendously powerful and graceful state of being?
Along this road of conscious sexual development, spiritual development and personal empowerment – some themes that are coming up for me right now are shame and fear. It’s not shame and fear about my sexual self this time. It’s shame and fear about my emotional body. In particular it’s shame about not having it sussed out, about having the ability to communicate clearly what I am feeling. It’s shame about not having a logical process together with these incredible emotions I am experiencing, and a fear of how I will be perceived in that. What I am noticing which is really interesting is my minds need for clarity, to understand, and not really to understand for myself but more to understand so that I can articulate, so that then I can be perceived as being strong within my vulnerability, rather than maybe being perceived as appearing messy, weak or untrustworthy.
Whilst having it all sorted is great when you touch it, those moments of clarity, of deep understanding are so utterly important on our road to empowerment.These moments of truth, clarity and understanding are what we need to create the changes in our lives which are necessary for our own growth and development. However, sometimes, just sometimes we are trying to avoid feeling the depths of ourselves for fear of how we will be perceived. I am speaking for myself here, but I know I am also speaking for the collective.
There is an epidemic that runs through our collective consciousness and it controls our emotional body. It is stifling us and stopping us from feeling ourselves all the way through. This giant pot of unfelt and unexpressed feeling creates an energy of unease in the collective, and disconnection from ourselves, each other and our environment.
I believe it is this disconnection from feeling that is the cause of our relentless pollution and raping of the planet, it is the reason we create war and favour financial gain over what is right, it is the reason we can tolerate emotional, physical and sexual abuse happening all over our planet .The reason why 21,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes, (according to the United Nations). This is one person every four seconds. Sadly, it is children who die most often. Yet there is plenty of food in the world for everyone..
Our job as conscious loving beings is to help heal this collective unconscious. Every time one of us has the courage to feel the part of our self we have hidden from others, we not only heal it for ourselves, we are also releasing this giant pressure of the collective unconscious.
It’s important to note that there are times when we need to consciously feel ourselves as a victim, in order feel ourselves all the way through. We can however, fall into an unhealthy victim mentality when we sit in vulnerability too long without dropping beneath to what is needed, and asking ourselves what is this vulnerability trying to help me reach towards. I’d like to state here and recognise that it is important to gain understanding alongside our emotional body thats the dance of the mature masculine and feminine energies within us. . However, from what I have seen and witnessed in myself and seen in others it can be a diversion away from really feeling it all. There is a beauty in just being in the emotion of vulnerability of allowing it to break you open. There can be an unhealthy part of the immature masculine that is trying to gain control over the emotional body, by needing understanding to feel safe, rather than allowing the understanding to come and being able to be in the uncomfortable space of feeling and not knowing which creates space for the clarity to drop in.
What I witnessed in myself this morning is there is a place inside of myself that is so raw, so utterly fragile, it feels as though it is an eggshell within my heart and rather than trying to understand it ( which I notice I am doing even now as I try to express myself) if I am able to just feel it and allow the words to flow out of it in their own time, each word feeling in resonance with this fragile core within my heart, it feels as though these words are coming directly from my soul, yet they are communicating what I perceive as being the most small and human part of me, whilst at the same time a tremendous power and depth of being.
Sometimes there is just that one last piece, that part of us that just holding back just a little, that’s not able to fully let go, to surrender, that’s trying to maintain some kind of control or appearance of having it all sorted, for fear of being seen as weak, undesirable, unstable, crazy, out of control, lost, unintegrated or all of the above. For me this vulnerable piece is holding onto a belief that I can’t fully let go here, I can’t surrender I need to hold this last little piece for fear of – who is going to catch me? I’m the only one who can catch myself, I can’t let this go, I can’t trust. I will fall into this abyss it’s scary, it’s vulnerable and vulnerability is just well vulnerable it’s an awkward feeling to feel.
Even writing this article I feel fear and shame about not having it all completely sussed out and tied up in a neat little package of understanding, tied up in a nice bow of consciousness and wrapped in wisdom and clarity!
I am preparing for a trip to Israel to co-facilitate on the International School of Temple Arts Spiritual Sexual Shamanic Experience and am finding myself in a space of deep vulnerability. My heart feels open, cracked open the fragile eggshell part of myself revealled. I am trembling inside with such a beautiful frequency of realness, authenticity and heart. As I pack my bags I am also mentally and emotionally packing my bags and gathering all parts of myself, even my fear. Going to Israel is a complete adventure for me, I feel as though I am taking to this war torn country with me a very fragile vibration of love. In it’s tenderness, inside this beautiful eggshell of love there is a trembling fear. Fear and shame that this beautiful part of myself doesn’t have it all together and is out of control.
I feel bad that I am taking more fear into this war torn country, surely they have enough fear, I should be bringing more love, I am sure this land is thirsty for love. As I feel deeper into my heart and being, and I rest back into myself I know I am in exactly the right state of being. Love isn’t packaged, and neatly packed in a bright bow, it is messy wild and unruly. It messes up your hair, your make-up, your perfectly manicured face and carefully selected wardrobe neatly packed in your suitcase. It doesn’t give a fuck about co-ordinated outfits or how you are perceived by others.
This force of love that I am connecting to, and I am fearful of in fact, is opening me into a graceful and messy state of authenticity and realness – this is my gift to Israel. I come warts and all, with love at my centre and deep compassion in my heart for this mysterious, wild and curious expression we call love. I allow it to break me open and know that love will catch me and I look forward to connecting with you Israel, and am in humble appreciation of being in service to love, at this time, on this planet, in this body.