I have written a note about desire before, its a theme that has been close to my heart for sometime and seems to be cropping up again this time with a deeper level of awareness, and more layers to this juicy topic.
It all started a couple of years back at the Osho leela Conscious Sexuality festival in the UK, when I was given the opportunity to feel into my desires for a whole hour and have somebodwebsitey in the role of serving them. What happened was very insightful and so it has been in my awareness as something I need to pay more attention to.
During the experience I am talking about, when faced with someone sitting opposite me about to seemingly deliver me my desire in that moment on a plate to me…. to my shock…. there was nothing. Just nothing, just a big blank nothing… What do you desire? came the questions….. Ummmmm… uncomfortable feeling….. I don’t know. I sat there for a little longer, and a little longer and longer still feeling awkward embarrased but wanting to really take the opportunity to feel into what was really authentic….and then the tears came. Together with feelings of unworthiness, why would anyone want to serve me? what was in it for them? What do they want from me? The tears kept flowing, I felt embarrassed, humiliated, I wondered how the other women in the workshop were coping with connecting to their desires, I felt hopeless.
Eventually a desire rose from within me… Can I have a tissue please? He went to hand it to me, I asked.. Can you wipe my tears. It was the most tender thing to have a man wiping my soppy tears so sweetly and so it went on and thankfully as the hour went by I got more and more comfortable with feeling into what I wanted, but it was slow, I felt uneasy, unsure, as if I never allowed myself to feel into what I wanted ever. Shit I was such a massive people pleaser…. eventually, I began to relax and see there was nothing I needed to be other than what I was, there was no rush, no pressure, just a simple enquiry into… what it was I wanted in that moment, in that encounter. Moment by moment feeling into the true impulse of my desires, not thinking about the other just being with myself and making simple requests, sounds easy? I invite you to try it!
This last weekend I had the privilege to be assisting Ruby May a dear friend and fellow edge dweller at her In Love and Service workshop here in New Zealand. I was helping to hold space but an opportunity arose to go in as a participant for one exercise. It was the same exercise as the above mentioned experience, again I was asked by a humble man willing to serve me, what do you desire?….. again I fell into the abyss of nothing.. again the tears again. This time a feeling of sadness at my disconnection with my own desires. I connected to myself as a 6 year old child and realised that it must have been around this time that I lost connection to what I wanted: Maybe learning that, what you did was please others? Look around to see what was possible, allowed and maybe ask for that… or… more than likely see what other people needed and just do that. How many times in my life have I been asked.. What do you want to do Ellie? Only to reply.. I don’t know… what do you want to do? Where is my opinion? Where is my self value? Where is my preference? Where is my whats best for me? Underneath years of conditioning that told me to put other peoples needs before my own.
This all sounds so altruistic right? and whilst I know I have a truly compassionate heart, I also know I am not Mother Teresa. The problem is with not catering to ones needs, and having a habit of adapting to suit others it doesn’t seem to work long term. Sooner or later the dis-satisfaction will arise, out of nowhere, everything will start to feel too much even the smallest request can lead to overwhelm. ( Obviously I am talking from experience here) I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have changed my whole life around, moved houses, location, left friends, work, security, income in order to suit a partner, to develop a life with them, although the only problem was it was their life, and I left mine behind, and then at the end when it all turned to shit and I had to pick myself and my son up and move on the upheaval was huge, often devastating, and I would be left with nothing, literally. I have done this three times in my life with major relationships/partnerships. Each time I vowed never again. I think its a curse too of being someone who follows their heart and not their head. The problem is here with listening to one’s heart only whilst observing the mind is that there was one vital centre I wasn’t listening to and that centre is one I am connecting to more deeply these days. The power within my womb, my creative energy, my power house,
The womb centre is the centre that feeds directly into my emotional body, it gives me information into what is good for me, correct for me and right for me, and ultimately what is good for me is also good for those who are close to me. Doesn’t that go for all of us? it is my connection to my power. I think of all the times I have been disconnected to my power, or have felt it but given my power away, diminishing myself, making myself smaller than the other, not valuing myself fully. Finally 39 years later I am waking up the desire deep in my belly and womb, connecting on a deeper level to my sense of personal power, feeling the freedom, the aliveness, the potential, the aliveness in that. I’ll be honest even though i teach this stuff, the voice is quiet, really quiet, almost a whisper, and my mind is so dominant and wants to take over, it comes in with voices like thats not ok, thats not possible, that’s selfish, you won’t find anyone to agree to that, you are going to have to get real and so on. Honestly where does all this crap come from that goes on in my mind, can you relate to this?
What do you desire?
Its such a simple question, but can be so clouded with confusion when influenced by the needs and desires of others.
I invite you to play this game with a willing partner, just asking the question in relation to another who is willing to serve you, a lover a partner, whoever. Taking the leadership, and the server *( if he/she is open to the requests, its really key for the server to make sure they do not abandon themselves in order to please you too by the way) just serving you what you desire, no more no less.
Then after you have tried this simple practice, you can go bigger, take it to other areas of your life, see where you are catering for others instead of being true to yourself. Observe where you are really listening into an authentic voice inside, or have you become accustomed to tuning that out and forgetting about what is best and right for you. Wouldn’t it be great if we all lived in a world where everyone was being true to what they really wanted? Wouldn’t there be more joy, pleasure relaxation? Wouldn’t we all just be so much sweeter to be around? if we were more satisfied deep down wouldn’t the more un-pleasurable things just get done without too much hassle as the rest of our lives would be so much more rewarding? Wouldn’t it mean that we would all live much longer happier and more fulfilling lives?
I think so.